Freelance Writer

Hi there, 

This is me just trying to vent out on how I feel about the consecutive rejections and cancellations I received from the site that I am currently working with as a freelance writer. Being denied once is acceptable but to be denied like 4 times, so painful, like being struck with a very sharp pen on the eye (forgive me for being gruesome and morbid). 

Well, honestly speaking, I have to confess that I have not been on my A-game on the articles that I have written. I write just for the heck of complying and earning. I know that is not the way it is supposed to. I remember my first article being approved and I that would mean instant cash. It boosted my ego, confirming that I can really write. However, after that cloud 9 moment, I have to be honest that I have been sending mediocre works and not aiming for quality ones. I think I deserved it but it is not helping me. It pushes me down so deep to the point that I am doubting myself now. 

My self-efficacy is not at its best right now which leads me to slacking. I have this terrible attitude of fleeing from situations that makes me feel like crap, makes me feel like a hopeless case. I want to get out of this nonsense mentality, this horrible thoughts, this draining frustration. I know deep within me, this is temporary. not giving up is the key. It is okay to stumble once even a few times more. Standing up and keep on going are the solutions to every rough patches, hurdles and doubts that may come my way. 

To further understand where I am coming from, this big ball of frustration, let me share you a story, my story. 

The Writer Was Born.

When I was a little kid, I have known my mom as someone who is so proficient in the world of English literature. She was a professor in a university in our little hometown. She taught Humanity, Ethics and English courses.  My mother finished her Masters Degree with flying colors and from there I knew that she was beyond average lass, beyond average professor, she was my mother. 

My father on the other hand working as a Marine Engineer who is not fond of the English language as opposed to my mom. Even I was not yet born, my dad was already boarding ships abroad to work, even today he still does. He is now the Chief of their ship. Having to be away from home, from my mother, and from us, kids, would lead him to writing a lot of love letters even photographs with cute little note at the back. Despite, not being fan of the English language, my dad still try his best to write in English but my mother would correct his grammar and my dad would just humbly accept the mistakes and copyreading my mother did. And  I think that's cute (I love my dad though). 

My interest in writing ignited when I was a 4th Grader. An opportunity to become a writer in our school paper came by and I told mommy about it. She was just so happy that I have that initiative to be one with the writer's club. I saw it in her eyes the euphoria that her daughter was into writing as well. That very night before the auditions/ screenings for the school paper writer's club, she coached and mentored me. The tips, the do's and don't and how to make your article very interesting. From there on, my mind pinned the things my mother taught me, especially how to begin with your feature article. I was auditioning for the Feature Writer slot and thus me writing a feature article. I was so elated to go home and bring the news for my mom that I made the cut and as young as I was, I became one of the Staff Writers.

I entered writing contests, journalism contests and other seminars that would enhance me as a writer. I would win the contests and earn myself to be able to enter Regional contests for writers. I have the potential, even my mother saw that in me.

When  I entered my highschool years, I became a happy go-lucky person. I did not bother joining the school paper's organization. But when I was in my 4th Year, a friend told me that I should join the journalism contest wherein they made me the photojournalist. That was my strength before, photojournalism. And again after that, I never tried to include myself in the writer's guild during my college years. 

In conclusion, the writer in me died when my mother also died when I was a 5th Grader. Devastating. Heart-broken. Lost. I had let  go of that dream to become a rockstar writer.

Ergo, the impact of the rejections I have been receiving. It sucks that I can't live up with the expectations of my mother when she was alive. It hurts that I cannot prove myself worthy to become just simply a writer.