Me and My Shadow

Have you ever felt so alone? Have you ever felt so tired and weary like all you want to do is to disappear? Well, I am that person. I am that girl who tries so hard to stay positive but after long days, weeks, and months of being the source of everybody’s positivity, I melt down. Confused on what to do and how to deal with my life. 

It sucks to be alone! But I have always preferred the company of myself so I don’t have to deal with everybody’s baggages, stressors, problems. Unfortunately, life has its funny way of teasing, that perhaps my purpose or passion in life is to be the safety net of people. The point is, I will always be needed and the universe doesnt care about my preferences because I am designed in this so called earth to be around people. To be the punching bag because apparently I dont really mind those jabs and kicks until the multiple punches will take its toll on me and the next thing I know I’ll be a limping, bruised nobody that I truly am.

It sucks isnt it? But I still remain  grateful and thankful, because I am living my purpose which  again is helping out hurt, confused, anxious, scared individuals through actively listening, being empathetic, healing, and sucking out the toxicity and negativity they are experiencing in their lives and then afterwards I console and comfort myself too by crying and grieving on my own. 

And when I have served my purpose to the sanity of the humankind, I go back to being invisible, just a nobody getting by in life. Until a new person in need will summon me and there I am again, back on the map, on the spotlight. People will see my “shop til you drop” sign. And yes, this is figuratively and literally. 

I cant do anything about it, I can only accept and embrace the fact that it is how my life is planned out. I can only embrace myself. And tell myself to brace again for the coming days because it will never become easy. If dying is an option, I’d be happy to evaporate and leave this place. After all, I have no one but me and my shadow. 

Open Letter to All Psychology Students

Hey there,


You are taking up Psychology, yeah? Are you really sure about this? To what extent are you sure in taking this discipline seriously? Was taking up Psychology  your decision and nothing to do with external factors such as parents, friends, and/ or crushes? Or perhaps you were left with no choice because the field that you really wanted had no more slots left so you are stuck with Psychology?

Whichever it is, it doesn't matter, you will love Psychology one way or another. Consider yourself lucky because you are a Psych major student. Below are some pros that I figured out along the way when I was studying in college and even now that I am already working.

1. Open-mindedness and Maturity

The very first thing a psychology student learns is how to be open-minded and be matured. Sure, that you entered college as a baby, whining about maturity and that you are old enough to be on your own. Reality is, you are not! You will learn that you are still grasping to be that matured person you thought you are. Hey, don't be too hard on yourself. We all went through that phase in our lives. (maturity is further discussed in my other blogs)

Psychology is the study of the mind and behavior so needless to say that you will also be studying your own mind and behavior. So within that process you will be able to understand why people tend to act this way, why people choose to live this way, and why people has to be this way. It takes a lot of openness to be able to understand each individual.

We all have individual differences, you as a psych major knows about this. Our minds function differently and so our behavior follow whether one's mind is driven by emotions or logic. Thus making you a matured individual as early as you are now. I am not saying that all psych students become open-minded and matured, relatively yes but not 100%  of the population. Again, individual differences. But it was evident to where I graduated that the population of the student body who are considerate and understanding are the group of Psychology major students.

For better understanding, let me provide you an example. At an early typical morning, you are running late to school because of the sluggish driving and delaying tactics of a jeepney driver. He patiently waits for more passengers to fill the vehicle while you impatiently wait. If you are a psych major student you would not go full Hulk on the driver since you know that this is his way of living and that partially it is also your mistake as to why you  are tardy again.

 This is the perfect example of locus of control. Julian Rotter came up with this concept wherein there are individuals who have internal locus of control and external locus of control. Internal locus of control is when one believes that he can influence the external events and their outcomes while external locus of control is when you blame outside forces and external factors about everything.

NO TO BULLIES, when I was studying I did a short survey with my classmate which resulted to 9 out of 10 psych majors are against in bullying. When you study this field, your mind will see the many evils of society and ugly truths o reality. All you can do is  to be mature and be open about it.

2. Job Opportunities

Do you happen to encounter people asking you can you read their minds since you are a psych student? I bet you do. Do you get annoyed when your relatives ask you all the time what would become of you when you finish college? I know, it's pretty annoying hearing them utter words such as a dead end job.

But hey, here's a job reality preview for you, we have plenty of options  as to which career should we pursue. Actually, with so much options, you'll end up confusing yourself which career path to take. So if you are still a student, you should be able to think, reflect, plan, and make up your mind which work setting or field in Psychology you would like to spend the rest of your life with as a way of living. Otherwise, you'll experience quarter life crisis (career path for Psych graduates is further discussed in my other blogs).

What I am really trying to establish here is that so many job opportunities that can be branched out from taking up psychology. If you are one confused scared kid, just keep on reading my blogs, I'd be gladly to help and assist you with your career path. Anyway,  just to give you an idea, just a macroview as what are the possible settings: a. Industrial/Corporate, b. School/Academe, c. Clinical/Mental Health Institutions. Lastly, this is a preparatory course for medicine and law.

 3. Application on Relationships

Studying Psychology is very very very interesting. I cannot stress this enough because for one thing, psych majors can assess basically everybody-of course, with valid references or basis (just don't end up labelling yourself as judgmental). Usually, many psych majors assess themselves, their family dynamics and intimate relationships unconsciously.

After assessment, application commences. Everything that you've learnt from studying psychology such being empathic, being a good listener, being genuine always. Cool, is it not?

Eventually, you will be able to know why whether the family relationship is so enriching,  nurturing, well-bonded and not . Family is the basic unit of society and primary support system of anybody else. Psychology is made up of so many theories which you can use in your daily life. You are the bigger man, you know what is wrong with the dynamics of your family and you know what is the best remedy. You just have to open your eyes, ears and mind and do root-cause analysis.

Same goes with having intimate relationships. Some say dating a psychology major is so satisfying-I can vouch for that *wink*. Kidding aside, it really is, Psych majors are so understanding and very patient which are major foundation of love. We know how to handle people with different personalities. We are basically good listeners, we are true, genuine and honest. I am not saying that all psych majors are alike but most of them possess the ideal partner. I assure you.

If you have any comments, suggestions, questions and/or would like to share their stories, please feel free to comment it down below. And hit follow. Thanks

Short Horror Story- The Shadows In The Office

Hi,

Let me share to you my scary story which unravelled during my first job. I was an employee in a big and well-known company. It was a banking industry, so you can just imagine how prim and proper the people working here. I was so excited and enthusiastic when I got the job, little did I know, I was walking towards a nightmare. Blinded by the prestige and how conservative the company was, not a single doubt came into my mind.  

I met our manager who appeared to be so approachable, attentive and intellectual. I thought maybe she can be that someone I can look up to. I was so wrong, she basically the opposite what I have mentiond. She was the epitome of a horrible boss. I was becoming a workaholic employee, I arrived at work an hour before our clock in. I started working as soon as I arrive at the office and I pretty much end work late in the evening. I was feeling the burnout and all my hard work was never acknowledged by my boss. My existence did not matter to her as long as I do good in my job, I was like a living ghost to her. And if it is the other way around, I become her punching bag that she can pour her outbursts whenever, wherever. It was so suffocating to be in a hell hole like this. And in each passing day, it felt like I was building my very own noose which tightens the longer I stayed here. Ergo, me feeling like crap for the entire eight hours (to OT hours) of my daily life. My boss would also scream and yell at other staff too every time something would go wrong and I would hear the horrible words produced by her filthy mouth. So much for being prim and proper huh? 

I mentioned that I stayed late in order to finish my never ending paperworks. I was one of those people who render services beyond the time that I am being paid for and the people who stayed were mostly have the abilities to see beyond the naked eye can see. I  had been overhearing a lot of creepy stories from them every time I stay late. Chills came trickling down my spine when one said that she saw a beheaded bloody body in the washroom. One also confessed that she had been seeing a white lady that kept on lurking in the receptionist area. Some shared that on the opposite side where my workstation was where a vague dark shadow always appear and just simple hang out. Most of the time, the shadow settles catatonically in the cubicle of my manager. This explained the creepy ticking sounds of a keyboard I hear every time despite the fact that people had gone to their homes already. 

The day after I heard those stories, my manager was so burning in anger and frustration when I failed to comply with the tasks she was expecting me to finish. I was so overwhelmed, overloaded and sleep deprived, ergo my performance was decreasing, my drive was slowly dying and my patience was gradually fading. And so I confronted and informed her that I am decided to resign and leave the damn place. I did not even care if I was trashing my future for this abrupt decision. All that mattered to me was to be able to feel happy and be alive again. This place was strangling me to death and I was really choking inside. I packed and picked up my things, sweeping my workstation clean. When I was about to submit my resignation letter as I stepped closer to her cubicle, I saw with my very own eyes, the dark shadow was standing behind her. My boss was yelling at her phone, cursing and swearing. The entity behind her was awkwardly bent down, whispering something to her. Probably some kind of voodoo or evil chant which gave power to the outrage of my boss. Not only that, right in the corner beside her cubicle I saw the white lady just blankly staring at the uproar, the sight of her face was so clear and vivid to me. A demonic face enjoying and lusting for the dark and disturbing behavior of my boss. She noticed my presence and tilted her head towards my direction, smiling and smirking as she put her index finger on her lip, gesturing me to hush. 

Right there and then I realized that an entity has latched itself on her, feeding on her abusive and brutality making her the waking nightmare to everybody. All those yelling, nagging, scolding attracted a lot of negativity that invited unwanted inhabitants to our office. To my terror, I was so dumbfounded, a colleague caught my attention, I walked away, head to the elevator and left the building. I never bothered to turn my head around.          

Freelance Writer

Hi there, 

This is me just trying to vent out on how I feel about the consecutive rejections and cancellations I received from the site that I am currently working with as a freelance writer. Being denied once is acceptable but to be denied like 4 times, so painful, like being struck with a very sharp pen on the eye (forgive me for being gruesome and morbid). 

Well, honestly speaking, I have to confess that I have not been on my A-game on the articles that I have written. I write just for the heck of complying and earning. I know that is not the way it is supposed to. I remember my first article being approved and I that would mean instant cash. It boosted my ego, confirming that I can really write. However, after that cloud 9 moment, I have to be honest that I have been sending mediocre works and not aiming for quality ones. I think I deserved it but it is not helping me. It pushes me down so deep to the point that I am doubting myself now. 

My self-efficacy is not at its best right now which leads me to slacking. I have this terrible attitude of fleeing from situations that makes me feel like crap, makes me feel like a hopeless case. I want to get out of this nonsense mentality, this horrible thoughts, this draining frustration. I know deep within me, this is temporary. not giving up is the key. It is okay to stumble once even a few times more. Standing up and keep on going are the solutions to every rough patches, hurdles and doubts that may come my way. 

To further understand where I am coming from, this big ball of frustration, let me share you a story, my story. 

The Writer Was Born.

When I was a little kid, I have known my mom as someone who is so proficient in the world of English literature. She was a professor in a university in our little hometown. She taught Humanity, Ethics and English courses.  My mother finished her Masters Degree with flying colors and from there I knew that she was beyond average lass, beyond average professor, she was my mother. 

My father on the other hand working as a Marine Engineer who is not fond of the English language as opposed to my mom. Even I was not yet born, my dad was already boarding ships abroad to work, even today he still does. He is now the Chief of their ship. Having to be away from home, from my mother, and from us, kids, would lead him to writing a lot of love letters even photographs with cute little note at the back. Despite, not being fan of the English language, my dad still try his best to write in English but my mother would correct his grammar and my dad would just humbly accept the mistakes and copyreading my mother did. And  I think that's cute (I love my dad though). 

My interest in writing ignited when I was a 4th Grader. An opportunity to become a writer in our school paper came by and I told mommy about it. She was just so happy that I have that initiative to be one with the writer's club. I saw it in her eyes the euphoria that her daughter was into writing as well. That very night before the auditions/ screenings for the school paper writer's club, she coached and mentored me. The tips, the do's and don't and how to make your article very interesting. From there on, my mind pinned the things my mother taught me, especially how to begin with your feature article. I was auditioning for the Feature Writer slot and thus me writing a feature article. I was so elated to go home and bring the news for my mom that I made the cut and as young as I was, I became one of the Staff Writers.

I entered writing contests, journalism contests and other seminars that would enhance me as a writer. I would win the contests and earn myself to be able to enter Regional contests for writers. I have the potential, even my mother saw that in me.

When  I entered my highschool years, I became a happy go-lucky person. I did not bother joining the school paper's organization. But when I was in my 4th Year, a friend told me that I should join the journalism contest wherein they made me the photojournalist. That was my strength before, photojournalism. And again after that, I never tried to include myself in the writer's guild during my college years. 

In conclusion, the writer in me died when my mother also died when I was a 5th Grader. Devastating. Heart-broken. Lost. I had let  go of that dream to become a rockstar writer.

Ergo, the impact of the rejections I have been receiving. It sucks that I can't live up with the expectations of my mother when she was alive. It hurts that I cannot prove myself worthy to become just simply a writer.  

      

1st Quarter of My Life

|I had neglected my blogspot for a very long time, been busy for quite sometime. Thus it has its new name, Blogger. Anyway, a lot had been going on in my college years and so I had totally forgotten all about my blog. The last blog I wrote was all about my dormitory life, how everything was so dull due to being cooped up in a very tiny room. As I entered my 1st quarter life I must admit I miss those times that I am alienated and isolated from the world.

What do I mean by 1st quarter life? Well, I believe this is the time wherein you're gradually having a glimpse of what adulthood life really is. And I am in that phase of my life where everything seems like a life and death decision-making. Life and death decision-making for this leads to my fate. 

As I finally finished my degree in BS Psychology, I am completely at lost as to what to do with my life.

The career path that I should be taking; the things that I should be prioritizing. It's a shame that at this very moment I do not know where to go. Should I be in the corporate world or in academe? Should I be studying already (Master's Degree) or still more of working? Should I stick in HR or pursue Guidance and Counseling? The thing is, if you're as lost as me, it is perfectly normal. Maybe we all need time for ourselves, to know what we really want to become, to settle for the thing we passionately desire to be working on. Just hang in there buddy!  

Dorm Fever!!!

I feel so alone every time my sister leaves the dorm, making me feel so lonely. :( I get thrilled sometimes when my friends invite me to hang-out, to just chill. I barely get network from our globe tattoo so, I can't easily write my blog. My eyes are usually shut whenever I'm at dorm, all I do is to sleep and sleep and sleep. But then, it's hard to force yourself to sleep if you're not feeling it so I do movie marathons or series marathon. Believe it or not I'm close to memorizing the lines from the movies and series that I watch and always hitting on replays. I want somethings done here in my dorm such as cleaning the bathroom(this is a lie, my sister cleans the bathroom, I don't), sweeping the floor, organizing things that are messing with my eyes, doing the laundry, trying to do on my home works and fixing(more like doodling on)my planner. But then I can't get them to be done, my mind always wants me to cram and be nagged by my sister because of all the creepy mess that I don't give a crap on cleaning. :)))) I get totally sad and if I get that feeling, I stare at the mirror and make faces, I sometimes dance in front of the mirror just to entertain myself. Creepy right? Even I, myself think that I'm like a narcissistic person. I don't know if that would be a good thing. Since I am a Psychology major student.  My dorm fever ends when my sister comes home and do some hugging and chitchatting how her day was.

Unexpected Holiday.

Well, Christmas is the most awaited holiday of all the holidays right? Indeed, even I couldn't wait for that wonderful holiday; the ambiance of giving and receiving gifts, the festive foods sat on the table, and the decorations and different catchy colorful lights filling the streets and houses. And of course, we do lots and lots of shopping. :)

Yeah, but today, I just felt like an ordinary day had just passed and nothing special. :| Maybe it is just that I celebrated the Christmas eve with my 2 siblings only. We prepared and cooked the food for our "noche buena" just the three of us, with the help our nanny. I know, it sure is fun, cooking stuffs and having that feeling as the chef for just the night. But what really knocked me over from my nirvana is that when the clock struck 12 midnight, everything was set and ready to be eaten and drank, I got in my seat and stare at the food we cooked and the three of us (my siblings and I) ate what we've prepared. :( It's different when mom was still here and dad is around. :(